Monday, December 23, 2013

The Tin Man's Heart Watch Day #53(b)


With Holden waiting for his new heart, we’re going to be spending Christmas in the hospital for a second year. Not that it’s a horrible thing. We’re still together as a family, and that is what is important. While we would certainly love to be home, there are noble list of reasons why being in the hospital on Christmas Day doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Allow me to share them with you.

 1) The holiday décor at the hospital is White House worthy. The hospital buys into the Trey Theory that there is no such thing as assassination of class via garland. If I had unlimited funds, I would wrap the entirety of my house in plastic attic smelling greenery. Garland is Christmas’s answer to salt. Garland is what Kudzu wishes it was. Team Garland forever and ever and ever.

 2) The hospital menu offers a selection of turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, and pie. Risking one's own health in the name of a major holiday meal is always a concern. If you’re like me you love to cook, but recognize that dish towels can make for a quick tourniquet. As most Americans know these days, having someone else cook meals for you can be ideal. If it wasn't, famous inventors like Ben Franklin wouldn't have invented restaurants like TGIFridays.

So when the Maître D who carts the tray up to the hospital room it should come armed with a placard that reads, “YOU CANNOT BE PHYSICALLY MAIMED BY THIS DELIVERED MEAL, BUT IN THE OFF CHANCE THAT YOU ARE, THE ER IS ALWAYS OPEN.”

As far as the quality of said meal? You can deal with the salmonella later. Later isn’t now.

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3) You’re not judged for taking a nap. Nobody ever looks into your kid’s hospital room, sees you sleeping at 1pm, and immediately labels you as lazy. If I were to do that at the office? Unemployment. At my family’s on Christmas? Depending on who the witness is…Avoiding the cleaning process or intoxicated. Sometimes it’s nice to kick back and fall asleep at random hours. You’ll pay with jolting neck pain eventually, but again, later isn’t now.

4) Your tree probably won't burn down because engineering has given it the thumbs up. Ever see an old timey Christmas card and think, “What the heck were people thinking when they attached live flaming objects on a dying, drying pine tree?” Well, apparently trees can still catch fire for faulty wiring. Not at a hospital though, electronics require the pope’s blessing before they can get plugged into the wall. SAFETY.

5) Even if your tree burns down, it's not your house. Relax, the hospital rooms come armed with sprinklers.

6) The staff has to listen to you talk, because they have to be there. My family can run away from my hilarious jokes, but the nurses and support staff would need a new career field if they did the same. Besides, I think they find my kindly banter entertaining and a good way to drown out the fact that they’re at work. I’m like the hospital’s version of Chuck E. Cheese.

7) Rubbing alcohol makes for a harder drink than bourbon, or whatever else you like. Just unwrap 30 or 40 of these thingys and add them to whatever you happen to be drinking. There are a lot of risks. If you luck out and it doesn’t make you gravely ill, it probably will blind you. I preach it again, later isn’t now. (Note: We don’t suggest or encourage you drink alcohol anywhere in the hospital, especially not isopropyl alcohol. – Lawyer’d)
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One of these thingys

Being serious though. We're here for a great reason, and while it isn't the ideal setting, we're together. I'm going to go ahead and apply 34 years of personal television Christmas special science to our situation...Santa will hopefully be delivering a heart tomorrow night, giving Holden a chance to spend his next 100 Christmases at home.


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